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Colbert Roasts President Bush - 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner.srt

English•SRT•22.3 KB•Jan 31, 2011

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Subtitle preview

First 50 subtitle cues from Colbert Roasts President Bush - 2006 White House Correspondents Dinner.srt

50 cues

#100:00:00,110 --> 00:00:06,759
HOST: And no one is safe. Ladies and gentlemen, with a special edition of Colbert Report.
#200:00:06,759 --> 00:00:07,840
Stephen Colbert!
#300:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,000
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
#400:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,600
Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement.
#500:00:22,100 --> 00:00:29,120
Whoever parked 14 black bulletproof S.U.V.'s out front, could you please move them? They
#600:00:29,300 --> 00:00:36,300
are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'s and they need to get out.
#700:00:37,800 --> 00:00:44,800
Wow. Wow, what an honor. The White House correspondents' dinner. To actually sit here, at the same
#800:00:46,110 --> 00:00:53,110
table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming.
#900:00:54,660 --> 00:00:59,510
Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper -- that may not be enough. Somebody
#1000:00:59,510 --> 00:01:06,510
shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight? Dammit. The one guy who could have
#1100:01:07,940 --> 00:01:08,190
helped.
#1200:01:08,180 --> 00:01:13,350
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just
#1300:01:13,350 --> 00:01:18,270
speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Somebody from the NSA will be right over with
#1400:01:18,270 --> 00:01:23,909
a cocktail.
#1500:01:23,909 --> 00:01:30,049
Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my
#1600:01:30,049 --> 00:01:37,049
name is Stephen Colbert and tonight it's my privilege to celebrate this president. We're
#1700:01:38,470 --> 00:01:45,470
not so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not
#1800:01:48,610 --> 00:01:54,990
members of the factinista. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the
#1900:01:54,990 --> 00:02:01,670
truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your
#2000:02:01,670 --> 00:02:08,119
gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say
#2100:02:08,119 --> 00:02:15,119
"I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book.
#2200:02:16,890 --> 00:02:22,900
Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system
#2300:02:22,900 --> 00:02:29,900
works. Every night on my show, the Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, OK?
#2400:02:31,760 --> 00:02:38,760
I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "No Fact Zone." Fox
#2500:02:41,319 --> 00:02:43,550
News, I hold a copyright on that term.
#2600:02:43,550 --> 00:02:50,550
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number
#2700:02:54,970 --> 00:03:01,970
one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that
#2800:03:06,610 --> 00:03:13,150
it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And
#2900:03:13,150 --> 00:03:20,150
I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy.
#3000:03:21,290 --> 00:03:26,930
I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to
#3100:03:26,930 --> 00:03:28,750
stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.
#3200:03:28,750 --> 00:03:35,750
In fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible.
#3300:03:44,269 --> 00:03:51,269
I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs
#3400:03:52,010 --> 00:03:59,010
least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
#3500:03:59,500 --> 00:04:06,500
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I
#3600:04:08,450 --> 00:04:15,450
saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed
#3700:04:18,249 --> 00:04:23,949
Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu,
#3800:04:23,949 --> 00:04:28,939
Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal
#3900:04:28,939 --> 00:04:35,159
savior.
#4000:04:35,159 --> 00:04:42,159
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most
#4100:04:50,479 --> 00:04:51,930
of all, I believe in this president.
#4200:04:51,930 --> 00:04:58,479
Now, I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating.
#4300:04:58,479 --> 00:05:04,469
But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection
#4400:05:04,469 --> 00:05:11,469
of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known
#4500:05:11,759 --> 00:05:12,520
liberal bias.
#4600:05:12,520 --> 00:05:19,520
So, Mr. President, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full.
#4700:05:20,399 --> 00:05:27,399
32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention
#4800:05:30,689 --> 00:05:37,689
to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's
#4900:05:39,169 --> 00:05:46,169
still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is
#5000:05:46,550 --> 00:05:47,649
usually backwash.